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Dear Query Queen:
Tracy Allen wakes to find DJ, her seven-year-old son, missing. With a custody hearing just days away, this could be her soon-to-be ex’s way of show how unfit a mother she really is.**this sentence feels awkward to me. Would it be cleaner to say her soon-be-be ex’s way of showing that she is an unfit mother? An awkward sentence like this can completely ruin it for the reader. My thought is that if the first sentence is this awkward, what does the manuscript look like? Another concern: if the ex took the kid wouldn’t he be the one who would look bad? I’m unclear about how this works which is a red flag for the plotting. But when the police locate DJ’s suitcase and the clothing inside covered with blood**this also feels awkward. I get what you’re trying to say, but it doesn’t read clearly, she knows this is more than a mere “get even” scheme. And once Tracy realizes she’s the mains**yet another typo suspect, she is determined to locate DJ, whatever it takes. But how can you save the one person who relies on you most when those closest to you are the ones you should trust the least?**I think this is generally a good hook overall, although nothing special, but I guess I haven’t seen in the previous paragraphs who is closest to her that she trusts the least. If you’re going to make a statement like this at any time you need to make sure you show it before making the statement.
I am writing in the hope you will be interested in reading my completed suspense book, Fade to the Edge. It is approximately 73,000 words in length.
My current releases are as follows:
- My award winning inspirational romantic suspense, Breathless (first place Royal Palm Literary Award), and it sequels, Catch Your Breath (Third Place in the Heart of Excellence Contest), both published with Pelican Book Group in 2012; Also the third in the series One Last Breath, self-published December 2014;
- Suspense short The Visitor, self-published September 2014;
- Game of Hearts, a humorous novella published with Astraea Press, released in March 2012;
- A humorous mystery, Knight & Day published by Write Words, Inc. in 2013; and
- Beautiful Imperfection, inspirational romantic suspense, was published through Pelican Book Group on September 29, 2013. It was also the winner of Best Inspirational Cover for 2013 in the “Show Me Your Covers Contest.”
I was the President of Florida Sisters in Crime from January 2010 – December 2011, and am currently the Public Relations Director for Ancient City Romance Authors. I am co-chairing the September 2015 Ancient City Romance Conference. I have spoken at several writers’ events including the 2014 Florida Writers Association Conference.
I am also a Florida Certified Paralegal and work for an estate planning attorney in Jacksonville, Florida.
Thank you for your attention. I look forward to hearing from you.
Writing Clean Fiction with an Edge!
I’m always intrigued by missing child suspense novels. I’m afraid though that I probably would not request this. Setting aside the problem with the awkward sentences and errors, this just didn’t feel special to me. A boy is missing and his bloody suitcase is found. That doesn’t make the book stand out for me. What makes this book special? What makes it different from any other book about a mom trying to find her child?
Does the case link to an old case from her childhood? Is there a clue left behind that links to a past she’s been running from? Is her ex a big muckity-muck in town and not really the boy’s father? In other words…what’s your hook?
The biggest mistake this makes is that it’s bland. It’s a common mistake, but one that equals rejection.
As for other parts of the query. I’m fine with your list of current releases, but I do feel like they are lacking information. I’m not sure they need to be a bulleted list as much as a paragraph with the publisher’s name in parenthesis after.
your final paragraph about yourself is fine. You can probably skip the sentence about being a paralegal. It just isn’t necessary.
I hope this helps. By focusing more on your hook I thin you’d have a strong query. If you have focused on your hook you might want to go back and rework the book itself to make it bigger.