Shag, Marry, Kill: the Literary Edition

Happy early Valentine’s Day! In the spirit of all things romantic, we’re bringing you the BookEnds version of the game Shag, Marry, Kill. Thank you for the suggestions you sent us. We didn’t include all of them, but you’ll see quite a few made the list.

Rochester/Darcy/Heathcliff

Beth- Definitely kill Heathcliff. It’s not even a contest. Between Darcy and Rochester: I’m sorry but I’m not marrying the guy who locks his wife in the attic and lies to his current romantic interest about being married. Shag Rochester. Marry Darcy.

Jessica A – Kill Heathcliff (that’s easy. I’ve always hated Wuthering Heights). Shag Rochester (though I can forgive a guy for locking a crazy wife in the attic, I don’t want to risk the same fate–I’m claustrophobic). Marry Darcy.

Kim — Sometimes I think Jessica A and I were separated at birth.  I too, have a deep-seated loathing for Wuthering Heights and I had to write multiple papers on it in college, which made it even worse.  I would knock Heathcliff over the head with my 1991 Brother word processor, which easily weighed 65 lbs.  I have a very hard time choosing between Rochester and Darcy.  But I think I’d marry Rochester then lock him up in the attic and shag Darcy, telling him I’d marry him too.  And we’d all live happily under one roof.

Moe — Well, continuing the trend, definitely going to toss Heathcliff off a cliff (see what I did there?) and wave at him all the way down. Harder to choose between Darcy and Rochester, however. I think I’ll enjoy a nice shag with Darcy and go off and marry Rochester. But I swear to god, I’m looking in every locked closet, attic, and tiny hidey hole there is to make sure there isn’t someone else lurking.

Jack Reacher/Spenser/Jason Bourne

Jessica A – Shag Spenser. Marry Jason Bourne (okay, I admit I can’t stop picturing being married to Matt Damon). Kill Jack Reacher.

Kim — Kill Jack Reacher?  I take back all of the nice things I said about you, Jessica A.  I would totally marry Lee Child… I mean Jack Reacher.  Shag Spenser and kill Jason Bourne.  There’s probably a price on his head in multiple countries, so I could rake it in.

Snape/Malfoy/Bellatrix

Beth- Yikes. Yiiiiiiiikes. When it comes down to it I’m gonna marry [Draco, I assume we’re talking about Draco] Malfoy because I personally think he’s the most redeemable of the characters–I don’t think the spirit of the game is marry-then-immediately-divorce or marry-then-homicide, so if I’ve got to pick someone to spend my life with, it’s gonna be him. Shag Bellatrix because at the very least it sounds like an interesting time. Kill Snape.

Jessica A – Shag Bellatrix (like Beth, I think it would be interesting). Marry Snape (I was never convinced he was fully bad). Kill Malfoy (either Malfoy, Lucius or Draco).

Moe – Well. Can we say pick your poison here? Well, I’d marry Snape, that part is easy. Yes, I know the whole “never move on from Lily” thin is just SLIGHTLY creepy, but given the dent in my wall after he died in DEATHLY HALLOWS, I don’t think I could legitimately kill him. I’m going to continue the trend here and shag Bellatrix because, come on, that much cray-cray is going to have to lead to some fun sexytimes. And I’m killing Malfoy. Either of them. Any of them. Adios!

Christian Gray/Gideon Cross/Rhett Butler

Jessica A – Shag Gideon Cross. Marry Rhett Butler. Kill Christian Gray (I like my literary men damaged, but he’s too whiny-damaged for me).

Kim –  Well, Rhett is used to dealing with a really high-maintenance chick, so I’m thinking he would really appreciate me as I’d seem very agreeable.  So I’d marry him.  And I’d shag Gideon Cross and kill Christian Gray, because ultimately I just think Gideon would respect me more.

Bill Compton/Alcide/Eric Northman

Jessica A – Shag Eric Northman (duh). Marry Alcide (he seems the steady type). Kill Vampire Bill.

Kim – I should clarify that I’ve read most of these books, but I find it impossible to separate the characters from the “True Blood” actors, so I’m going mostly by the TV version.  I’d kill Bill faster than you can say Bon Temps.  I’d marry Vampire Eric, because let’s face it, he’s sexy and amusing and clever and PERFECT.  And I’d totally shag Alcide, but I’d be gone by the time the moon comes out.

Anne Shirley/Elizabeth Bennett/Claire Randall

Beth- Did you know that one of the things I hate the most is picking favorites from a list of awesome ladies?? Well, now you do. I have to kill Anne just by merit of elimination–I like Lizzie and Claire more. And then I think from pure loyalty to one of my favorite authors, I’ll be marrying Elizabeth Bennett (it says something about my love for Austen that I’m choosing to marry both romantic leads from Pride & Prejudice). Shag Claire.

Jessica A – Oh man. This is tough. I don’t know who to kill. Shag Claire Randall. Marry Anne Shirley (my childhood idol!). Kill Elizabeth Bennett.

Moe — Talk about your list of awesome ladies. Damn. Well like Beth, I like Claire and Lizzie far more, so by virtue of the game, Anne would be the one to get killed. As much as I love Lizzie, sometimes she’s too annoying for my tastes (Beth is so going to kill me here) so I’d shag her and marry Claire.

Jamie Fraser/Max De Winter/the Duke of Jervaulx (from Flowers in the Storm)

Jessica A – Shag Jamie Fraser. Marry the Duke (c’mon, he’s a duke, and he doesn’t even talk much). Kill Max De Winter.

Kim —  This is a tough one.  I just want to scoop up all of their tortured souls and cradle them.  I think I’d marry Max De Winter, because we have so much history.  He and I go way back (and hello? Lawrence Olivier?).  I’d shag Jamie because he could whisper sweet nothings to me in his Scottish brogue.  And I’d kill the Duke.  He may prefer to be out of his misery anyway.

Atticus Finch/Gilbert Blythe/Romeo

Jessica A – Another hard one. Shag Gilbert Blythe. Marry Atticus Finch. Kill Romeo (Shakespeare made that easy).

Moe — So ignoring that Romeo is technically a young little teenager… he’s getting killed. Do not like him, nope. So, the attorney side of me is all over Atticus, and I’d marry him. (We are only looking at To Kill A Mockingbird canon. Nothing before, after, etc. Also Gregory Peck…). By process of elimination… shag Gilbert.

Tyrion/John Snow/Sansa

Beth- Absolutely marry Sansa. Protect her from all of the nonsense of the Seven Kingdoms and give her nice things instead of more trauma.
…as much as Tyrion is one my favorite characters, we know from Ygritte that John Snow knows what he’s doing so. Shag John and, sadly, kill Tyrion 🙁

Moe — adlfjadsk;f NOT FAIR. SO NOT FAIR. Okay so this kills me to say that I’d have to kill Tyrion because he’s one of my favorite characters. But I also firmly believe that he’s probably immortal due to cleverness and will wheedle his way out of that. It’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Since Jon Snow has issues with things, I doubt he’s going to be the marrying type so I’ll take a few shags — and marry the precious cinnamon roll that is Sansa.

A Marvel Universe bonus set for the huge Avengers fans among us:
Steve Rogers/Tony Stark/Bruce Banner

Beth- Anyone who follows me on twitter knows that I am #TeamCap ’til my dying day. So marry Steve. Moe might fight me for this but… kill Tony, shag Bruce.

Moe — I swear to god, I’m never opening my mouth on our team chat again. So, it’s fairly clear that Civil War is going to cause a rift between Beth and I because #TeamIronMan all the way. Given this, I will marry Bruce (because Fluffalo <3), shag Tony, and toss Steve back into the frozen ocean once more. #OnceACapsicle #AlwaysACapsicle